I cannot begin to explain what I felt. I was numb. I didn't really react to what he told me. I just said "okay" I was in some type of shock and it took a month after their wedding for me to come out of my stupor. I cried and cried and cried! I probably cried myself to sleep for at least a month. I thought I was over it until he contacted me. When I heard his voice on the other end of the phone so many feelings of hurt and anger and rage came flooding back. I took every opportunity to curse him out and let him know how horrible he was for hurting me. He would call to see how I was doing and I would spit venom! I had become one of those women that I had tried so hard not to be. I was a BBW (Bitter Black Woman) you know the kind that sits around talking about how there aren't any good men while rolling their eyes and sucking their teeth. I was her. And I had attitude for days! I thought I had reserved my anger for him, but that type of anger does not stay in one place. It seeps into every aspect of your life and it is a force that drags you down. It drags you down into a pit of ugliness and no one wants to be around a person like that. I couldn't see how my state of bitterness was affecting those around me.
Now, sometimes things happen that are seemingly random but in the end there is a life changing message.
So my friend and I were going to this free yoga class on Sunday afternoons and there was a poster hanging in the class of a Zen proverb that simply stated "Let go or be dragged." I had been to the yoga class many times but never noticed that poster before. When I saw it something in me clicked and I made a decision right then and there to let go and forgive. Forgiveness is really about letting go and freeing yourself. As long as you hold on to anger or past hurts and pain they control you. They are powerful forces that will drag you down. They will keep you from being happy. They will keep you from living life to the fullest. Forgiveness is the way you can free yourself from those forces that drag you. The funny thing about forgiveness is its never for the other person its always for you! "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."-Lily Tomlin I had to do just that. I made the decision to forgive and just let go. And my ex and I can now have conversations and be friends. I forgave him for me and I am a lot more fun to be around. I got rid of that BBW and I am determined to never see her again!